I do not love you
by Ambrel
Summary: With great effort, he turned his gaze back to her face. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something offensive and stupid like normal, but it didn’t really work out. Instead, his jaw just closed with a click. Happy ending...


Feudal Era

She was gone again. He always knew when she was gone.

A certain something left the wind. The fullness to the smells of the day would fade, and he would be left feeling bereft of something important. It was always like this, when the girl went down the well.

He frowned as he walked through the woods near the village. Sango and Miroku were plotting again. He knew it, because he heard them talking during the night. They were giving him alone time so that he might go back to the future and retrieve Kagome. It had been only a few days, but they were anxious to see her again. Hell, so was he, not that he would ever admit it. He hardly acknowledged that fact to himself. He usually just comforted himself with some comment about how emotionally weak humans were.

He had an inkling of how the girl felt. He himself knew that he was falling for her, but it was something he tried his damnedest to ignore. He didn't need the pain again. Didn't need the heartache of something like this. The feelings that he felt for Kagome were still raw and new. Even what he had felt for Kikyo had begun to fade, though there was always something still there. It was more of an honor thing with her, he told himself. He couldn't afford to care so deeply again. Falling in love once was scary enough. Losing his love and his life all in one day was even worse. Never mind the fact that Kikyo had perished shortly afterward.

He wasn't sure if he could handle another woman leaving him.

Inuyasha sighed as he rounded closer to the well. Glancing around, he frowned. So much had happened here. It seemed that no matter what the occasion, they always came back to this well. After the quest was finished, would the well still be as it always was? This well held so many memories and feelings for him. It was the focal point of the misadventures of the group. It was like touching bases when they came here after a couple weeks out. The well heralded a couple of days of rest and a chance for Kagome to return to where she came from for a while.

He hated that part.

When she was on her side of the rift, she always seemed to take a certain something away from this world. He had tried to convince himself that it was simply the delays she presented to his original goals that made him chase after her again and again, sometimes only hours after she had left. The sneaking thoughts he always tried to bat away from his mind were encroaching more now. Soon enough, they would not let him delude himself like he had been for so long.

Yes, he was falling for the girl… no, the young woman. She was much stronger and wiser than she had been three years ago. Perhaps that was why she captivated him so. She changed so much over the time he knew her, but that which mattered, that which was important, stayed the same. Immutable. She couldn't change her nature even if she tried. She was like a light in the darkness. She led him home time and time again when he was sure he would be lost forever. That she still stood by him spoke volumes about her personality and loyalty.

Leaning on the well, he stared down into its depths. He'd been tempted before to tell her how he felt. Doubtless, she knew already. Even though he masked it all the time, he knew how transparent he was around her. Unless she was the densest person on the planet, she knew everything. Including the fact that he was too cowardly to admit the depths of his emotion to anyone. He sighed again.

"I don't need this…" he muttered to himself. "I'll just go get her so Miroku will get off my damn back."

Inuyasha was well aware of the three pairs of eyes that watched him jump down the well.

Modern Era

She was in her room, like she normally was, when the half-demon arrived. She was bent over her desk with a pencil in hand, carefully marking the paper that was in front of her. Before he opened the window, he took a moment to simply gaze at her. He did this often, but she didn't know. At least, he didn't think she did. She never gave any indication of having heard or seen him.

It was moments like this that he treasured the most. Being able to watch the girl without fear of embarrassment or becoming tongue tied was priceless. In her unguarded state, he learned that she had the habit of twirling her hair around her finger when she was thinking hard about something, which is what she was doing now. He knew that the nervous habit of tapping the pencil eraser to her lips was just another way of letting off frustration and worry, and the cause of that worry was normally pretty easy to discern. She probably had another test or some-such. His lips skinned back from his teeth at the thought. He didn't like the idea that something could keep pulling her away from him. Especially something that she herself admitted to hating.

A sweet smell invaded his nostrils. It was her, but different. It always was when she came back to her time. Her scent took on a tinge of something tangy and acrid. While he never thought she was anything other than heavenly, the tang always put him on edge. It was the worry she felt, and he suspected it was also the fear that perhaps she would not see her family again. Hardly surprising, with how violent things were over on the other side in comparison to her home.

Inuyasha frowned for a moment. Why….oh. Her window was cracked slightly open. That was why he could smell her.

He crept forward, not wishing to interrupt the small amount of time that he had to simply watch her do normal, mundane things that she always missed. He knew that in a moment he would have to become the sarcastic ass that was his front. They would fight, and he loved fighting with her. Her eyes lit up like the stars when she was riled and she took on this amazing musky odor that he had come to associate with adrenaline. He could almost hear her heartbeat raise and in response, he became more aggressive too. It was fun. No one else had ever stood up to him like that, except for Sesshomeru… but that was different. He didn't hate Kagome.

"Oh… Inuyasha.."

His ears angled at the sound of his name. She sounded… sad. It was disturbing to hear her sound so despondent. Even more so when his name was on her lips. He leaned forward again.

"Oh Inuyasha," She murmured, "I do not love you…"

He went still. His heart clenched and his lungs felt as though the air had been driven from them. It wasn't as though he really ever expected her to openly reciprocate his own hidden feelings, but pretending was a fun pastime. It was easy to pretend when there was no acknowledgement of feelings one way or another.

_It doesn't matter, _he tried telling himself. _Its not like I need her for anything more than the shards anyway._

It didn't help.

He heard those words echo through his head over and over again. _I do not love you. I do not love you. I do not love you._

He let out a silent breath through his teeth and retreated from the window. He couldn't go barging into her room now. His emotion would be too raw and naked on his face. Hell, she would probably guess at why he looked like he did and sit him a few times.

He didn't want anyone to see him at his weakest anyway. Especially not that woman.

Inuyasha sprinted across the yard and dove into the well. A blue flash was all that spoke of the half-demon's passage.

Feudal Era

It took her another two days to come back. He knew that their companions were worried when he was back empty handed. That NEVER happened. His excuse was as pathetic as he felt by that point.

"She wasn't home," he had said before wandering back to the woods and taking refuge in the comforting branches of the trees. The further away he was from the trappings of humanity, the easier he could dismiss his feelings and not be hurt anymore.

In theory, at least.

The instant she was back, however, he knew. Her scent permeated the area, sweet and clean and simple. He came back to the well, hiding in the shadows of the trees. She was alone then, and the others were yet to come to greet her. A small smile played on her face.

"I'm so glad I can finally tell him," her voice said, carried to his ears on the light breeze. "I need to get this off my chest."

He was always there waiting when she arrived. There was no reason for it to change now. But hell, he really didn't want to walk up to her and let her hurt him. He knew that was what was about to happen.

She sat and waited. The sun was starting to dip below the tree line when Inuyasha finally descended to the ground and stepped out into the clearing. He heard a rustle and saw that she had a paper in her hand. When her weak human ears finally picked up on him, she turned with a smile on her face. It made his heart clench painfully to see it.

His eyes dropped to the paper she held, and he could smell the waves of nervousness rolling off of her. With great effort, he turned his gaze back to her face. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something offensive and stupid like normal, but it didn't really work out. Instead, his jaw just closed with a click.

Kagome furrowed her brow in confusion. "Are you ok Inuyasha?"

"I'm fine."

"Oh… well, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute. I'd like to go to the Sacred Tree. Will you come with me?"

He gave his customary grunt and turned around, not waiting for the girl to follow.

The sound of her footsteps told him that she was hurrying after him. He could smell the scent of nerves on her skin as well.

"Well?" He muttered as they neared the tree, "What's so important?"

He was glad that she was behind him still when she replied, because he blanched before he was able to compose his features.

"I need to tell you something. Its important. I spent all my time back home deciding how to say it."

After a few more moments of walking silently, as Inuyasha did not grace her comments with an answer, they reached the tree. Assuming a posture of barely contained boredom, he leaned against the smooth bark and regarded Kagome. "Well?" He repeated.

Suddenly, she went pale. He could see her pulse in the dim moonlight, and idly noted how it had sped up when he looked at her. Her mouth worked for a moment, before she calmed a bit. "I… uh, that is… I-"

He simply stared at her, almost accusatory. She might be intending to rip his heart out without knowing it, but he would be damned if he would let her know how much he cared. She seemed to wilt under his stare.

"Uhm…" she mumbled, wringing her paper in her hands and looking down. "I think maybe… this is a mistake. I mean… we should forget I said anything, ok?"

"Kagome."

Her eyes darted to his face at his gruff address.

"Kagome, if you have something to say, say it. If it was important enough for you to have to drag me out alone, then waiting wont make it any easier." He closed his eyes. Prayed it wouldn't hurt as much as he feared it would.

"Oh….ok, Inuyasha. But you have to promise me something."

"Hmm?"

"Just… don't laugh."

He would have stared at her in amusement, if he weren't so busy trying to bolster his flagging courage. It took all he had to stay standing where he was.

"And… don't hate me."

"Can you get on with it?"

"Ok… ok. Well… here goes." He heard the sound of rustling paper.

"Inuyasha… I haven't been able to find the words to tell you this.. I'm just not good at talking I guess. But, the thing is.. I found this thing in a book and it fits perfectly. I feel kinda stupid now, but I guess I cant stop now that I started…" She trailed off, realizing that she was babbling. He opened his eyes and looked at her face. It was naked with emotion and her scent was thick with sour fear.

He fixed her with the best 'stop wasting my time' glare he could muster.

She gulped and unfolded her paper. "It's now or never… Inuyasha… I… I… do not…"

He felt his chest caving again. _I cant do this._

"I do not love you…." The hurt flashed over his eyes before he realized she was still talking. "…as a salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrows of …carnations that fire shoots off…"

Whaaaat? His mind didn't quite know what to think. He stared at her, taking in how her head was ducked over the paper, her cheeks flaming, and how she was trying her best to hide her eyes. She was still talking.

"I…I-I love you.. as certain dark things are to be loved." She stole a glance at him. His jaw was slack and his eyes widened in surprise. She ducked her head again. "In darkness, between the shadow and the soul."

Inuyasha'a mind was reeling. What was this? Here she stood, not four feet away, and she was reciting… what, a poem? All of a sudden he felt silly. Shouldn't their roles be reversed? The image of himself trying to quote poetry to Kagome played through his mind and he snorted softly.

She flinched. "I'm… sorry. It was a stupid idea. I-" She started to turn away, but he caught her hand. Firmly holding her in place, he leaned forward enough so she could see straight into his eyes.

"Wait, Kagome.. you came here to tell me something… I want you to finish it."

The paper was crumpled in her hand now, and he was sure that if she grew any more red it would get stuck that way. She took a deep breath, dropping the wrinkled sheet. "I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom.."

Inuyasha let himself drift on her words. So alien, but they felt… good.

"but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers…"

Neither of the two realized that they had moved closer together. Kagome's head was still down with her eyes averted, but Inuyasha's hand held hers tightly, a bare hand's-breadth from his chest. He was now standing straight, no longer leaning on the tree.

Kagome's voice was getting softer and lower. "thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body…."

She looked up again. She froze when she saw his face. His normally fierce features were somehow softened and his eyes were trained on hers. She saw something in the amber depths. Perhaps not new, but something she had never been able to recognize before. He looked… vulnerable.

And shocked.

But perhaps that was a good thing. Even his ears were perked forward, trained on the sound of her voice. When she thought of the next line, her throat closed up. She looked helplessly up at him as they drew even closer to each other, not even realizing it.

He _was_ feeling shock. Here, expecting the girl to tell him to get lost, he was surprised by this strange admission from her. He wanted to hear all of it. Raising his other hand, he wrapped it around her hand that he already held captive. "Keep going Kagome…" He swallowed, "Please."

Her voice was a bare whisper. "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where… I love you simply, without complexities or pride…"

She had begun to lean in to him, her free hand coming to rest on top of those already trapped between them. He belatedly realized that her heart rate had changed again. No longer nervous or scared, but still racing. He wasn't surprised to discover that his own was thumping in his chest.

"So I love you…. Because I know no other way than this…"

Her mouth slowly closed, but he sensed that this wasn't done. He lowered his forehead to rest against hers. His callused hands softly squeezed her small ones. "Keep going…" he repeated.

"Where I do not exist… nor you…"

She was even closer now, their joined hands resting against the cloth that covered Inuyasha's chest. "So close… that your hand on my chest is my hand…."

Her eyes closed as her message drew to an end. "So close…"

Inuyasha's eyes began to drift shut of their own accord.

"So close… that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

OOOOO

Ok, well, that was my first… well, first at all. I think it might be a bit rushed toward the end. Maybe I'll come back and change it later or something.

Anyway, that poem that Kagome recites is not of my own devising. I am nowhere near that eloquent. That is a sonnet by a man who used the penname Pablo Neruda. I highly recommend googling the rest of his works if you enjoy this one. The poem in its entirety follows:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,  
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.  
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,  
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms  
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;  
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,  
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.  
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;  
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,  
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,  
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

OOOOO

Review if you are of a mind to do so. I must say, I do so love constructive criticism and instant gratification, so whatever catches your fancy, I appreciate it.

I shall try to reply to any reviews if I possibly can. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.


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